Tearjerker Thursday : Wide Awake

One of the true diamonds in Twi - fandom, 'Wide Awake' by Angstgoddess003. I"m aware that most of you have probably read and loved this story already, but I just couldn't skip this one. So here we are. *smiles*

In Wide Awake, we see a reclused Bella who's not only an insomniac, but also a traumatized young girl, who can not bear to be touched. She lives with her aunt and niece, where she tries to keep up the façade. Spending her nights baking, she refuses to give in to the need to sleep, knowing that slumber is where a world of nightmares awaits.

Edward is the typical troubled young man, hiding behind a mask of indifference. Or isn't he?

He too struggles to escape the nightly terrors that visit him in his dreams - or rather nightmares - and finds his solice in drawing and spending his nights in the gazebo.

One night, these two tortured souls meet and although they don't communicate much at first, a bond is being forged. Slowly they open up to each other and share the details of their damaging pasts. As they grow closer, their discovery of each other takes on a more physical nature. Especially, after learning that Edward is the only exception to Bella's rule. He's the only one that can touch her.

Screams. Fucking god awful shrieks and sobs resonating around the gym and right out the door. And I’d know those fucking sobs and screams anywhere. My girl.

As I darted into the gym, I could see them. A whole fucking crowd of people in the middle of the shiny gym floor. Some were students, still dressed out in their gym uniforms, and some were faculty, wearing frantic expressions at the sounds of Bella’s agonized screams and sobs. And all of them were gathered around the source of the awful noises.

I cringed and shuttered with each sound as I ran across the gym floor, nearly slipping as my wet boots contacted the shiny wood. But I didn’t fucking stop, I kept going until I reached the crowd. But I couldn’t see past them. So I just started fucking shoving them all out of my way furiously, desperate to see her. Ms. Cope grasped my leather jacket as I passed her, shouting at me, but I wasn’t fucking listening to anything but those blood curdling screams, so I pushed her off of me angrily. I could hear in her voice, she had been screaming for a long while. I was wondering how long ago all this shit happened as I shoved Stanley aside using extra unnecessary force to do so. And with one last shove of Mr. Berty, I could finally see her.

And the sight of her nearly brought me to my fucking knees. She was lying on the wooden floor in a fetal position, with her little knees tucked up to her forehead, still wearing her gym uniform and hoodie. And she was fucking shaking and shuddering and trembling and just fucking vibrating the whole room with the hoarse screams that were ripping violently from her chest. This was no ordinary Weird Random Emotional Breakdown. This was fucking chaotic and violent, and just ripping her apart at her fucking seams.

Esme was standing over her with the most heartbreaking and helpless expression on her tear stained face. She reached a trembling hand down to stroke her hooded head. And she really fucking shouldn’t have. Because it made the screaming and the shaking and the sobbing impossibly worse. Esme snapped her hand back as the look of hopelessness grew on her face into complete panic. She reached into her bag to fish something out and came out with a cell phone and began talking on it. 

But I couldn’t fucking hear anything going on around me except for my girl, and all her fucking misery and agony. Poor Brandon was hunched over beside her, fucking crying along with her, and looking just as hopeless as her mother. Jazz broke through the crowd then and went to her.

But my attention was on the shaking form in front of me. And even more importantly, the dark blood that was smeared on the wooden floor around her head. I was fucking frantically searching her to find where the bleeding was coming from, but her face was covered by her hair, and her head was covered by that goddamn hood.

I began breathing deeply, trying to think straight against all the shrieks that were making me cringe and shudder, and almost making me fucking sob as I gripped my hair and clenched my eyes closed. And then I just fucking knew what I had to do. She wouldn’t even let her aunt or cousin touch her. But I was betting that I could. To hell with any secret. I would have given my fucking life to snap her out of her that.

I opened my eyes, and darted them to Jazz, who was staring right back at me with a very fucking knowing look as he held Brandon against his chest and rocked her on the floor next to Bella. And for once I was so grateful he was so fucking knowing. Because I was going to be met with much resistance.

With a determined breath, I began making my way to the center of the circle. And as I stepped forward, Mr. Berty grabbed the back of my jacket and pulled me back. And I fucking shoved him off angrily. No one was going to stop me from getting to my girl. I pressed on as everyone in the crowd began yelling for me to stop. I blocked them all out. None of them fucking mattered to me. I began creeping slower as I approached her; worried that Alice would jump me. I shot another glance at Jazz who was holding her face against his chest. Thank fucking god.

I regretfully wasn’t prepared for Esme however. She stood over Bella with the phone to her ear, glaring at me and screaming something that I wasn’t fucking listening to. I stepped closer to my girl and all her fucking shrieks and blood and sobs that were just tearing me the fuck apart. As I got closer to her curled and trembling body, Esme took a protective stance over Bella, standing over her with her caramel hair flowing down her shoulders in her light business suit. I darted my eyes up to meet her gaze.

And she was fucking beautiful.

A brilliant inferno lighting her eyes and transforming her into a glorious angel of fury. A mother protecting her young. The raw maternal instinct and wrath towards the one who would bring their child harm made her majestic in a way that absolutely fucking demanded compliance. The sight of her magnificence made me gasp. That is what a real mother looks like.

I was afraid. And I was in awe of her and all her splendor as she towered over my girl radiantly. But, goddamn it, I fucking loved her too. So I kept going. Nothing was going to hold me back. Not even all her motherly glory. And the closer I got, the more furious and glorious she became as I held her gaze. And the escalation of her fury and beauty made me want to worship her more with every step I took.

And thankfully, the closer I got to my girl, the more of my electricity she could feel. She grew minutely quieter with my proximity. And not many people could actually fucking register the change in the pitch of her shrieks. But I could. And so could Esme. Her maternal bond made her as in tune with Bella as I was. The brilliant inferno remained in her gaze as I crouched down, never moving my eyes from hers.

Bella grew minutely quieter once more as I was only just three feet away from her trembling body. Esme noticed again, but refused to back down from her protective stance on her young. So I pushed on, lowering my palms to the floor and slowly crawling the rest of the way to my girl. I never took my eyes off of Esme. I was so fucking mesmerized by her defiant posture, that it nearly made me want to back down first.

But I had to fucking show her why I was doing it. Make her fucking see that I was the answer. I was trying to show her with my eyes that I could fucking handle this shit.

I reached a hand up and extended it towards Bella’s leg. She was wearing gym shorts, and I needed the skin to skin contact to make the quickest and biggest impact so that Esme wouldn’t fucking kill me before I got a chance. Esme’s eyes grew impossibly more furious at my movements. And I knew I had to do it swiftly and quickly to make it work. So I just fucking lunged at my girl and grabbed her leg tightly with both hands.

Esme made to pull me off her by my leather jacket, but immediately froze as Bella began to still. I rubbed her leg soothingly with my shaking hands, moving over her against Esme’s grip. The blood was pooled around her face and hair, but I couldn’t see her face. She was still sobbing loudly and shaking, though my touch had lessened it significantly. Esme finally let my jacket go, almost making me fucking fall onto my girl as I crouched over her.

After I had steadied myself, I leaned back on my heels, and put my arms under her to lift her into my lap. Once I had her full weight in my arms, I folded my legs Indian style in front of me and lowered her onto my legs. She was still fucking crying and shaking, but I knew that she could get through her breakdown. So I focused on the more urgent matter and began moving the hair from her face with one hand while I cradled the back of her head in the other. It was wet with fucking sweat and tears and blood. Once I had her face clear of all her hair, I could see it. Her eye was swollen and bruised. And all of the blood was coming from her nose, which was probably broken. And I didn’t give a shit if it was an accident. I wanted to find the motherfucker responsible and bash his fucking head into the gym floor.

I caressed her cheek softly, willing her to open her eyes since they were clenched shut. She stilled more with my… loving… caress, and finally opened her eyes. They were clouded with tears as her jaw trembled against the sobs, but she could see me. So I gazed into her eyes with all of the fucking love that I had for her, and willed her still more. And she fucking did. And because I only knew of very few ways to convey that love I felt, I leaned down and gently kissed her sweaty forehead with my lips.

She let out a deep breath, still sort of fucking gasping from the event, but able to breath nonetheless. She gazed back into my eyes as I sat back up and stroked her cheek. I could see her coming out of it more and more with each second that I held her and stroked her and finally fucking showed her all my love. I didn’t know what was going on around me, or who the fuck was close by, because I kept my gaze firmly on her eyes, willing her to come back to me and out of her flashes and visions and fucking terrible memories.

And moments later she did. She lifted her arms heavily and brought them around my neck, lifting her body up and hugging onto my neck with all the strength she had left in her. Which really wasn’t much. She was still panting as she rested her cheek gingerly on my shoulder. I rubbed her back up and down slowly and soothingly, slightly rocking her back and forth, just like I did the last time she experienced one of these things.

She seemed to relax more and more, until eventually she was entirely fucking limp in my arms.

I held her waist tightly and lifted us up off the bloody gym floor. She was just fucking dangling from my grip, too exhausted to hold on. So I held onto her firmly and turned around.

And fucking everybody in that gym was staring at me like I had just sacrificed a virgin or some shit.

Everybody except for four people. Esme and Brandon looked relieved and awestruck, and a little fucking confused. Jasper just looked knowing as he stood by Brandon’s side. He was always fucking knowing. Prick.

And I was shocked to see Daddy C. on the fringe of the crowd next to Esme. It was then that the realization hit me that she had called him. He was the one she was speaking to on her cell phone. And I was glad because my girl definitely needed a little medical attention. Carlisle looked a little confused and relieved too. But there was another emotion in his eyes that almost made me want to smile despite the fucked up situation. Pride.

This story made me laugh, cry and grow angry so many times. It's a constant emotional rollercoaster, but I wouldn't want it any other way. Because the reality of this fic is stunning. From the very first moment, until the very last line, you will be sucked into the story and you will experience things just like the main characters do. The step by step progress in Edward and Bella's relationship is beautiful and once more realistic. Some authors want to write about traumatic events and skip over many steps of the healing process. I'm glad to see Angstgoddess003 didn't. Because it adds so much value to her story.

Even though their traumas are a big part of the tale, there is still romance as well.

Bella's innocence was both amusing as touching as they slowly discover and push boundaries. And Edward...Oh God! Let me just tell you, I will never take the words 'My Girl' lightly again.

Those two simple words hold so much meaning in this story, it almost feels like an extra character.

His loyalty and devotion to her is so moving, I still cry whenever I think of him.

Lovelies, I could go on and on about this story, and I would never be able to do it justice. Just know that as soon as you read this, no other will ever come close to it again. It's pure brilliancy of the mind, and pure reality rolled into one. I have to go track down some several boxes of tissues, before reading it again. To Angstgoddess003, you are truly amazing. Don't ever stop writing. To all the others, sniffles out and see you next week.